Just phoned Foreign Minister Downer's office to offer my suggestion regarding Iraq. And wouldn't you know it, no one answered! I just got a recorded message. Okay, so it is after midnight here in Sydney. Still, you'd think the office would be attended, wouldn't you?

But no, it isn't. That's just so typical of this appalling government, don't you think? Not only are they warmongering, peenie-waving, Afghan baby-eating, white-picket-fence-building white supremacists, but they're also really lazy.

Appalling. Just appalling.

As the Great McSatan prepares to invade Iraq, there's been a lot of talk in the media about how brutal Saddam Hussein is. But did you know that he is actually a very creative man? Have a look here. The article itself is typical of Reason -- full of vicious right-wing sneering. Just appalling. But still, the fact that he writes fiction is interesting, don't you think? I mean, if he has an artistic streak, then he's clearly quite sensitive, isn't he?

Okay, so he invaded Kuwait, launched scuds at Israel, and gassed the Kurds, but I reckon deep down he's just a big softie. If the West wants him to cease being a threat, they should stop this sabre rattling, and just go in there and give him a big hug, hey! I reckon that would work.

But no one's willing to try it, of course. They're just so locked into those phallocentric, Eurocentric, "war is good" paradigms, aren't they?

But anyway I'm going to phone Lexie Downer's office with the idea and see if I can change his mind.

I've just read the most truly appalling article by Janet Albrechtsen in today's Australian. Honestly, she truly is an evil bitch (and I mean that in a feminist way).

The article is just appalling. So appalling, that I couldn't read it all. But the general gist is that she condemns the entire Muslim world for September 11! Truly appalling.

She writes "we all wanted to kill the bastards". Hey, excuse me! Speak for yourself Janet!

If the "bastards" she speaks of were the "terrorists" (i.e. freedom fighters), then I certainly did not. I wanted to give those guys a big squishy, life affirming hug and say, "Well done, fellas! You just struck a blow for humanity and freedom!" But I couldn't, unfortunately. They were all dead, along with their "victims" (i.e. oppressors).

So I couldn't hug them. But I danced. I danced in the garden with my cat Jocelyn. We danced for Osama, and all his surviving freedom fighters waging peace on the Great McSatan. And we danced for all those Palestinian freedom fighters prepared to tie explosives to their torsos and sacrifice their lives in the struggle against those evil Nazi Jews in Israel. Yes, we danced for hours! And we would have danced for many hours more, except Jocelyn saw a small bird with a broken wing and had to go and kill it. (By the way it wasn't a native bird -- it was a finch, an introduced species. So that was okay. That's Jocelyn for you, an environmentalist to the end!)

But back to Janet and her "bastards". It's very clear that Janet doesn't want to kill the "terrorists", or even their radical sympathisers. She clearly wants to kill all Muslims!

And she's the one saying they are barbaric!

Appalling. Just appalling.

Greetings to all my fellow travellers out there in Blogdom. It's truly joyous and really life-affirmingly wonderful to be here.

My aim in writing this blog is to express myself of course, but also to offer my wisdom and guidance to the less spiritually and politically evolved -- namely: all of you.

You see, we are now in a very difficult time, fellow travellers. Here in Australia the evil John Howard and his vicious right-wing henchmen have taken over this once tolerant nation. If we're not careful, there could be another Holocaust!

We must stop this happening. So I exhort you to fight fire with Sapphire!

"But how, Derek?" I hear you ask. Well, you can shop at the Body Shop, as I often do. Or you can sit at home, meditating on the wonder of Derek. You could also dance with your cat, or perhaps take one of my creative sneezing courses.

So yes, be an activist. Get out there, shout down Howard's ministers whenever they speak in public, throw condoms full of your wee-wee at the Great Unloofah-ed. Get angry, but do it in a loving way, hey!

I know that seems like a contradiction, and might not make sense to many. But hey that's okay. I rarely do "make sense". And people notice this. They say, "Derek, you're a real paradox."

I say "I know." (Not that you can truly know anything of course, since everything is constructed. But you know what I mean when I say "you know". You know?) But anyway, they say, "You're a paradox, because you're a real leftie, an activist. But you're also religious and New Age. Isn't that a contradiction? Because, like, Karl Marx said religion is the opiate of masses, didn't he?"

Then I say, "No, hey! Excuse me! Correction! Now let's get this straight -- but not in a homophobic way, of course." I say, "Yes I am an activist (hey go comrades!). But I'm not religious. I'm spiritual. There's a difference. Religious people like God. But spiritual people are God-like. Okay?"

So, I am not espousing an opiate for the masses. Rather, I am espousing a kind of metaphorical guarana for the elites. And I don't mean that in an elitist way, of course. (Nor would I take guarana myself. My metabolism is so delicate, I don't think I could handle it!)

So I am a paradox -- but at the same time, I'm not. And I don't make any sense at all. And by not making sense, I do.

Clear?

Thought so.