Saturday, September 14, 2002

Well, my blog is finally having an impact, fellow travellers. I seem to have annoyed an appalling right-wing blogger, always a good sign. He suggested that Fred Hilmer, Fairfax media mogul, should hire me as an Opinion editor. He was obviously being facetious. But the irony is that I was actually offered the job -- just two days ago, in fact.

There were a lot of negotiations going on. My people saw their people. Lawyers bustled back and forth. Mobiles were buzzing all over the place. It was really exciting, fellow travellers! But the contract fell through at the last minute. You see, one of my stipulations was that my animal companion Jocelyn be given a weekly column on animal rights and environmental issues.

The regular columnists assembled in the Sydney office to debate the appointment. They decided that this was asking too much. You see, they believed an indigenous animal would have been much more appropriate.

Just then Richard Neville entered the room. He was down from the Blue Mountains for World Hug Day. Hearing the discussion, he suggested his spirit guide -- a pygmy wombat named Rousseau -- as a replacement. Everyone wholeheartedly agreed. But Jocelyn wasn't too happy. And soon Rousseau was, well, a little worse for wear.

That's the media for you: really dog eat dog (and cat eat wombat!).

The staff were appalled. So was I, since Jocelyn never preys on indigenous species. Since Rousseau was the last remaining pygmy wombat Robert Manne sagely decided to classify the unfortunate incident as genocide.

I pointed out that at least Jocelyn was female, not male, and Siamese, not European. To their credit the assembled columnists decided that these were ameliorating factors. So I would not have to pay reparations; a heartfelt apology would suffice.

I was just about to call John Howard's office to demand that he deliver one on behalf of the nation when Richard, now in tears, noticed that Jocelyn's eyes were blue.

"I knew it was a conspiracy," he yelled. "She's not Siamese. She's an Aryan! Fascist cat! Fascist cat!"

Considering Jocelyn's deep social conscience (she's a really political animal, hey!) and her commitment to environmental causes this was a truly appalling accusation. But before I even had time to seek legal representation Jocelyn vomited up a fur ball. It contained a small bugging device!

It turned out that Rousseau wasn't a progressive wombat after all. He was a right-wing mole!

I was relieved to discover that Jocelyn's instincts were correct after all. We're still deciding whether or not to sue Fairfax for the distress the whole incident caused us both.

And all I can say is: with fellow travellers like Richard Neville, who needs global right-wing corporatist hegemonies?

Still, Fairfax continues to do a fine job despite its mistake in not hiring us.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Hey, it's Thursday here in Australia, and I thought whole obscene orgy of self-pity would be over already. But no fellow travellers. The flag-sucking and patriotism is continuing unabated. These peenie-waving McSatanites just don't know when to stop, do they? It's just appalling. I mean, hey, get over it! Be spiritual about it, let it go already.

Okay, so it's appalling. But they are Americans. We've come to expect that kind of behaviour. But what is truly sinister is that even Australians continue to show their respects. Look at this.

There are well over 6000 Australians who had the audacity to actually show their sympathy for the Great McSatan. Think how offensive this must be to Muslims in this country. I simply cannot bear to imagine it.

But what to do? I suggest a new arm of HREOC, devoted entirely to quashing inappropriate expressions of grievance. Then such tasteless displays as the Yahoo tribute will be replaced by much more humane, kind and empowering ones.

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Greetings, fellow travellers. Aren't you just so glad that this S11 thing is finally over? I'm just so sick of all the badge-wearing and respects-paying. That whole "disaster" happened a year ago. And only 3000 Americans died! But think, in the year that followed, thousands of bilbies were squashed by cars, trucks and motorbikes; hundreds of thousands of appalling blonde jokes were told in front of women in complete defiance of enlightened sexual harassment legislation; and tens of millions of Starbucks coffees were served! Appalling. Truly appalling.

Where are the memorials for the ones who suffered those acts of barbarity?

Nowhere. Of course.

We've still got a long way to go, fellow travellers. A long, long way to go...

Monday, September 09, 2002

I have been hearing a lot of talk about these alleged "rapes" in the West of Sydney. The Great Unloofah-ed is just foaming with outrage and condemnation. Typical. But has anyone spared a thought for the alleged "rapists"? Sure, these guys are angry, but don't you think they have a right to be? I mean, they've had to suffer the indignation of their culture being mocked and degraded in the ultra-right wing (i.e. mainstream) media for years. And they have to sit and watch while white trash redneck women flaunt their bodies in front of them, in open mockery of their culture.

As a committed feminist, I agree totally that rape is not on. But wasn't there a worse rape going on here? And not just one but several.

Think about it: these guys were having their culture raped day in, day out. Also, their women (and of course I don't mean that in the possessive sense) were having their honour degraded by the shameless cavortings of those around them.

Then there was the fact that the shameless cavortings themselves were not actual expressions of sexual liberation! No, they were sad and pathetic acts of obeisance to the white, patriarchal, male-gaze perpetuating paradigm of the Great McSatan.

Just look at any centrefold (er, not that I ever have -- well, I did once just to see how appalling it was). Look at the faces of those naked women. Are they happy? Are they proud of their bodies? Are they free? No, look closer and you can see the sadness in their eyes.

As usual, the Nazis in the media have got it all upside down. The so-called "sexual freedom" of today's women is actually a cage -- and an American-made cage at that! Most of the pornography in the world comes out of the US, remember.

So, not only were the "rapists" being raped, but their culture and their women were too -- and so were the alleged "victims"!

These guys weren't raping. If anything they were being chivalrous, trying to liberate those women in the only way they knew how. So don't condemn them. You're blaming the victim if you do!