Thursday, October 17, 2002

Sad news, fellow travellers. There is mounting evidence that the bravest freedom fighter of them all has finally been murdered by the Great McSatan. My animal companion Jocelyn and I danced a slow, brooding cat-tango to express our deep sorrow.

But still there is joy, fellow travellers. An heir has been anointed, and Osama's spirit lives on!

Power to the people! Power to the people right on!

Master of Evil take note: Attack Iraq and you'll be attacking a fully functioning, humanely administered democracy. See, they just had an election, and everyone in the entire country voted for Saddam. Apparently one citizen even wrote: "I love Saddam. I love Saddam more than myself." And to prove it, he wrote it in his own blood. Now a leader doesn't get that popular through fear. He does it through love, compassion, and lots of group hugs. And he also does it by having really high self esteem (see last post), which people notice and are very attracted to. I mean, just look at that smile. Now there's a really healthy ego! And you, Master of Evil, say he's a dictator. Why, because you hate yourself. You're not just evil, Master of Evil, you're also just really, really sad.

Poor Andrew Sullivan. The title of this rant says it all. He hates himself, and what's the result: he's a conservative. But look at me, fellow travellers. I'm bursting with self esteem. Why? Because I am divine (but not in an elitist way, of course). And what's the result: I'm progressive.

The answer is as clear as my crystal: We need much more self love, not less of it. "And how do we achieve that, Derek?" I hear you ask. By loving me, fellow travellers. By loving me, and following me. Keep doing that, and one day you might just reach the same level of self esteem that I have. Only then will there be peace and harmony in the world.

Just another thought regarding the significance of names, prompted by Phillip Adams' searing hammering of that kraut (last post): if you rearrange the letters in "Phil Adams" you get: "Hilp Sadam". That's only two letters short of "Help Saddam". Isn't that amazing? Our most noble fellow traveller is subliminally fighting for the rights of another every time he introduces himself on Radio National.

And remember that other fellow traveller John Lennon? His own name evoked Lenin, the mental titan who inspired him. Since these guys have been invoking such inspiring iconic imagery, fellow travellers, the least we can do is invoke them when next we hurl condoms full of wee-wee at the Great Unloofahed. How? By chanting, "Power to the people. Power to the people right on! Help Saddam. Help Saddam! Power to the people. Power to the people right on! Help Saddam. Help Saddam!"

So empowering, hey!

Monday, October 14, 2002

Greetings fellow travellers. Apologies for not posting lately. I've been away on a retreat for the last couple of days, doing a lot of dancing with my cat and creative sneezing for peace. While I was there I read a truly searing column by the brilliant and courageous Phillip Adams. It described an interview with Great McSatanite Charles Krauthammer. Phillip's description of the significance of this appalling wife-bashing baby-killer's name was particularly insghtful: "It fits its owner like a glove," he wrote. "An iron glove containing, yes, an iron fist. For Krauthammer simultaneously evokes notions of a master race and massive blows to the anvil."

When I read that I just went, "Yes! You've really hit the nail on the head there, Phillip! Because as we all know, language creates reality. And here is a perfect example of this. Even his name is an appalling exhortation to Nazi violence."

And it really got me thinking about other examples of this. Take for instance Ariel Sharon. This doesn't seem to ominous at first. But look a little closer and the truth is revealed. His first name is Ariel, right. Sounds feminine, almost transgendered. But Ariel was the name of a spirit in a play by that right-wing, peenie-waving dead white male William Shakespeare called The Tempest. And what is a tempest? It's a storm. Storm, as in Desert Storm. Scary isn't it?

But wait, there's more: His surname is Sharon. It's spelled the same as the Western female name "Sharon", right? Sharon, as in Sharon Stone. Now Sharon Stone -- apart from being a Great McSatanite and an appallingly regressive anti-feminist icon -- starred in that horrendously homophobic, misogynistic Hollywood "thriller" Basic Instinct. And this film was directed by Paul Verhoeven, who also directed that appalling hymn (him?) to intergalactic violence Starship Troopers.

So you see, operating within a subliminal, verbal-cognitive, pastoral-comical-socio-political, culturally imperialist paradigm, the name "Ariel Sharon" is the embodiment of fascist evil. No wonder he's great mates with Dubya. And I bet he drinks Starbucks coffee too!